Redeeming Justice Read online

  “Look,” she bit out. “David and I. We were never intimate if that’s what you want to know. This is something Alex is aware of, and really – I don’t want to say any more on the subject.”

  She watched Cameron and Draegyn look at each other with what appeared to be relief. Cross that assumption off the list, she thought.

  “Okay,” Drae murmured softly. It was clear he felt like a dick for asking. “We’ve all noticed that you and our fearless leader have gotten unusually close.”

  “This isn’t my fault!” Meghan threw at them anxiously.

  “No, no, no,” Cam cut in. “Meghan please. We aren’t implying he took off because of you. I think what my shithead brother was trying to say was, we’ve all been enjoying watching you two get together. I don’t think any of us have ever seen him so happy.” They all looked at one another and nodded in agreement. “We’re just trying to piece together what may have caused this morning’s events. Everything seemed fine last night.”

  Meghan groaned and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what changed. Last night was…well, whatever, and then I woke up and he was gone.”

  She leapt off her seat and started pacing like a caged animal. Restless, nervous energy was invading her system. “Maybe I should have seen this coming. I don’t know! To be honest, I forgot all about what today meant, and I feel horrible about that. Maybe Alex feels the same way. Maybe what we were doing, or rather, what’s been happening between us these last weeks was a distraction. Or a mistake. Jesus. I just don’t know.”

  Cam and Drae looked at each other. “I think we got what we came for. Thanks Meghan. We’ll take it from here.”

  “Guys,” Meghan choked out as anxiety clogged her voice. “What should I do?”

  Cam told her, “Don’t do anything for now. You’ve actually clarified a few things that will give us a place to start.”

  Going to his wife, he kissed Lacey on the forehead and smiled. “You ladies just hang in there. We’ll be in touch when we know something, and I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that if you hear anything from Alex to let us know immediately.”

  After they left the house and were climbing into his truck, Cam turned to Drae and said, “Bull’s eye. He’s beating himself up because for once in his fucking life he was happy and actually living. Forgetting was an act of betrayal.”

  Drae nodded. “I have an idea. Remember the house where his grandparents lived? I think we should check there. It’s likely that he’d go someplace familiar if he was hurting.”

  Alex felt like shit. His life was crumbling, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He needed the world to slow the fuck down so he could get a grip on what was happening.

  Pacing or rather prowling around the sprawling home that had been the scene of countless happy family times, he was assailed with thoughts of his grandparents who counted honor and integrity among a man’s most essential attributes. Right now, he had neither.

  Dammit. With so many conflicting thoughts and emotions swirling inside him Alex thought he might explode. He’d certainly already had one epic blow up today he thought cringing at the recall of trashing his office in a blind fucking rage. He still couldn’t believe that he’d forgotten what today represented. What the hell was wrong with him?

  And that was what was really ripping him up. He’d done a lot of shit and seen so much evil and depravity during his war years that the only way for him to deal with it all and not lose his fucking soul was to condense every sick, bloody, deadly event into one. A little like CliffsNotes – everything rolled into a single day where he would remember and yeah, beat himself up. It was his burden to bear after all.

  But he hadn’t remembered. In fact, he hadn’t slowed his roll at all the last couple of weeks. It was as if the peace and happiness he’d gotten a taste of with Meghan had wiped his pain and guilt clean. Alex knew it was fucked up to feel this way but he couldn’t accept what that meant in the bigger picture. He needed to remember. Needed the pain. Needed to do the penance. Without it, what had it all been for in the end? To render so much horror inconsequential didn’t sit well on his conscience.

  When he’d floored it away from the Villa, it seemed like the devil himself was behind the wheel. It had taken endless miles of driving before he came back to the present and by then he couldn’t turn around and go back. Alex didn’t want to face Meghan or anyone for that matter. Not until he got everything straight in his head. That was how he’d ended up at his grandparent’s house outside Sedona. It had been ages since he’d been there but it seemed like the perfect place to go and lick his wounds.

  He knew that Drae and Cam would find him. Eventually. It was their way, after all. Though he had a blood family he adored and cherished, his battlefield brothers were the glue that held his adult life together. No matter what fucked-up shit any of them did, they’d always been there for each other.

  Some part of Alex was surprised that neither of them had spoken up about today as it got closer. In the past, their way of dealing with it was to set aside the maudlin anniversary for remembrance and male bonding. Why hadn’t they said anything this time?

  Snorting with unease, Alex knew the answer before the question was fully formed. They’d seen what was going on between him and Meghan and probably hoped he’d forget altogether. Drae especially had been urging him for some time to let the past go once and for all. What some saw as unemotional and cold when it came to Draegyn’s attitude was actually his analytical side. He had a logical mind that gave him a leg up on those who ran on emotion and instinct. As far as he was concerned, the past couldn’t be altered or changed. Acceptance with a big dollop of get the fuck over it was his answer.

  Well, there was nothing for him to do now except wallow in his self-imposed hell and find a way forward. He’d have to have some answers before they showed up to confront him. Though he didn’t have a clue how he was going to deal with the shit storm he’d unleashed, Alex knew one thing for sure. Meghan was the deal breaker. Whatever he decided, she was going to be affected by the outcome.

  Mid-afternoon, Drae and Cam slowly made their way into the residential neighborhood where Alex’s grandparents had lived. After they got on the road and headed toward the city, Drae contacted Betty and had gotten her to give up the address. By the time he’d made the call and heard the agency’s office manager’s concerned voice on the phone, he knew that word of Alex’s outburst had spread through the core of Family Justice.

  It wasn’t any kind of a surprise when they’d turned down the street indicated on their GPS and found Alex’s truck parked in the driveway at his grandparents’ home.

  “Okay. What’s our plan,” Cam asked Drae as they parked and eyed the property. Concern dripped from every word.

  Drae exhaled on a deep sigh and said, “Balls to the wall, man. This is a big one. Dad’s got a case of itchy conscience. We probably should have been prepared for this. It was bound to happen eventually.”

  “Fuck my life,” Cam muttered as he struggled to pull a backpack from behind them in the truck cab. “You take the lead. I’m going to hold back and slap a tracking sensor on his damn truck so if he decides to tear off again, we’ll be able to follow his sorry ass.”

  “Smart move. What else you have in that bag of tricks? Don’t suppose there’s a tranquilizer dart gun?” Drae’s mocking question got them both laughing.

  “Fuck the tranquilizers,” Cam chuckled. “If he’s a surly confrontational bastard, I’ll just knock him out. Would serve him right.”

  “Well, if it comes to that, hit him twice. I still owe the son-of-a-bitch for cold cocking me the morning my charming wife disappeared.”

  “Alright,” Cam said briskly. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  Levering out of the massive truck, they made their way to the front door with Cam inconspicuously pausing near Alex’s vehicle as he pressed a sensor into the wheel well. They must have looked like undercover cops the way they surveye
d the front of the house with Cam keeping watch on the street as Drae pounded on the front door.

  “Open up, Alex. You have till the count of ten then we break the door down.”

  Both men were slightly shocked when the door immediately opened. “Settle down boys,” Alex complained. “The neighbors will think this is a home invasion if you keep barking like that.”

  Once inside the house Cam dropped the backpack he carried on a table as Alex calmly closed the door and turned toward them. Drae was already assessing the situation with shrewd eyes and his arms crossed decisively across his chest.

  Alex frowned at them and sniped in a warning tone. “I’m not drunk or in any need of intervention so ease off and back down.” Shit, he thought as he stomped away from the disapproving glare of his brothers to throw himself onto a sofa in the living room. He fucking hated the very idea of the conversation they were about to have.

  “It took you long enough,” he muttered as Cam and Drae followed and sat opposite him in two easy chairs. “Figured you’d be here hours ago.”

  “Yeah,” Cam answered drily. “Well, we had some damage control to do at home before we could traipse after your miserable ass.”

  Alex tensed at the obvious taunt meant to remind him that the scene he’d caused had ramifications for them all.

  Drae got in the next swipe. “How much bullshit do we have to wade through before you spit out what the hell is going on? I’ve got a pregnant wife texting me every half hour demanding answers. Don’t know what’s worse. That or you and this sorry charade.”

  Ah, the cold analytical dickhead. Why not? Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked away from the censure in the man’s eyes.

  “And that,” Cam chuckled, “would be the elephant in the room. You’re up Dad. Better make this good or you’ll have two unhappy pregnant women to fend off.”

  Scraping his hand against his scalp, Alex sat forward and stared at the two men. “I fucked up.”

  “How do you figure?” Drae asked. “And make the answer actually part of the problem. Don’t distract me with nonsense, Alex.”

  He shrugged and shook his head. It was too late for nonsense, and they all knew it. “Forgetting wasn’t something I’d ever imagined would be possible, but I had. Forgotten, that is.” Sighing, he fell back on the sofa and covered his eyes with a hand before rubbing it against his beard. When it fell away, he kept his eyes closed but let the rest of it come rushing out of his mouth.

  “Had that fucking dream. You know the one. Damn nightmare is on some sort of programmed loop in my head. Anyway, it shook me up. Habit got me into the office and when my computer fired up the first thing I saw was the date and a list of the dead. It was like throwing gasoline on a fire.” He paused, remembering the violent outburst that followed. “It was pretty bad, huh?” he asked next.

  Cam answered calmly, “Yep. Looked like a smash and grab, dude.”

  “You’re a fucking masochist Alex. Seriously. Why the hell would you set up that grisly reminder to appear on your computer?” Drae sounded like he was reeling in his temper but Alex got the message loud and clear. He’d done this to himself.

  “You know, I was right there with you for the longest time, man. Letting the past fuck with my head, thinking I had to embrace the suck and live a half life because of all the shit in my past,” Cam said offering a surprising glimpse into his former mindset.

  “Yeah, man,” Drae added. “We’ve all been there done that shit, Alex. Dragging that crap along only shackles us to the past.”

  Alex knew what they were getting at, but there was one huge difference. “It’s different for me. You were both dealing with family shit. Stuff you didn’t ask for.”

  “Oh Jesus Christ,” Drae muttered. “This again.”

  Shooting his brother a glare that spoke volumes, Alex hit out at him verbally. “I made choices and people died. It’s not about anything being done to me. It’s about what I did. What I didn’t do.”

  His mind worked overtime on one word – control. Unlike Drae and Cam who had been victims more or less of some ugly family shit, Alex had been in control of his circumstance. While none of it was anything he would have chosen, taking orders and giving them was the deciding factor and that was the thing he could never forget.

  “For fuck’s sake Alex. This is getting old. I know you think you had some sort of control over what went on then, but you didn’t. None of us did. Shit happened. People died. Was it all wrong? Fuck yeah it was. But we didn’t ask for anything that happened in that goddamn war. We were playing by immoral rules dictated by bad guys and circumstance. That you feel so strongly about something totally out of anyone’s control is testament to the honorable man you are. Can’t that be enough for you?” Drae was almost yelling, his voice choked with bitter emotion.

  Alex jumped up from the sofa and stalked to the front window. “I forgot!” he barked. “Don’t you get it? Fuck,” he roared, pain and regret booming in the silence. “If I can forget, what’s that say? That all those people died for nothing? That nobody remembers the horror?”

  “Dude,” Cam interjected. “That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it? For the first time, like ever, you were happy. It was no half life you were living. You’re human and that red-haired spitfire brought you back to life. About time, I should add.”

  It took a mental count of ten for Alex to compose himself before responding. “What’s it say about me that someone who’s passing through pushed me so far from center?”

  “She’s doing a whole lot more than passing through, Alex. Are you blind?” Drae shook his head and scowled at him. “Please tell me you weren’t dumb enough to move her lock, stock, and barrel into your bed on a whim.”

  “Shut up, Drae,” Alex snapped. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You spend your days in a cave with my wife who it should be noted, I married on a drunken tear in Vegas. Want to try telling me again that I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’m the fucking master of denial, and if I recall correctly, that particular ass hat was bestowed on me by Cam who had the distinction of wearing it first.”

  “Meghan’s not the issue, Lieutenant,” Alex barked at Drae. The energy in the room was so intense it was ringing in his ears.

  “Fuck you, Major because she so is.”

  Alex felt like a caged animal. This was about him, not some woman he was sleeping with. Without realizing it, his wincing expression at the way he’d just categorized her place in his life did not go unnoticed by his brothers.

  “Alright you two. That’s enough,” Cam cut in. “Let’s get to some sort of wrap-up here. Alex is beating himself up. He says it’s not about having fallen for a woman. And we disagree. Does that pretty much sum it up?”

  Alex almost took issue with the words fallen for a woman, but wisely shut up. He didn’t want to compound his moral failings with a bitter lie.

  “Okay then,” Cam continued when nobody said anything. “Where do we go from here?”

  “Go home, Alex,” Drae muttered through a clenched jaw. “Go home and fix this mess before you lose your chance to actually be a man and not some whiney pussy with an overly active conscience.”

  He wasn’t ready to do any of that. The thought of facing Meghan made ice settle in the pit of his stomach. Alex was so thrown by how quickly her presence in his life had turned everything upside down that he knew thinking clearly wasn’t an option. But this was different from when Tori and Lacey had appeared in their lives. Each of them came to the Villa on long-term status. Meghan was, by her own words, passing through. When she left and went on with her life, he’d have nothing. Not even the enormous shit pile of guilt and mindful penance he wallowed in. Today was an example of what that actually meant.

  Making a swift decision, Alex informed Cam and Drae, “I’ll be back tomorrow. There’s still some shit I have to get straight in my head.”

  Cam went and put his hand o
n Alex’s shoulder and gave a small squeeze. “Look, we’ll stay with you man. We’re in this together, and it wasn’t all that long ago when you said something similar to me.”

  Alex shook his head but managed a weak smile. “No, I’ve got this Cam, but thanks for the offer. You two have wives and shit to deal with. Best to get moving so you can be home before dark. Don’t worry about me.”

  Although he should have seen it coming, Alex wasn’t prepared when Drae with all his cut to the chase charm went for his throat. “What should we tell Meghan? She’s pretty upset and confused.”

  Alex inwardly cringed at the censure in his brother’s eyes. “Tell her…” He didn’t have any clue what to say next.

  “Yeah?”

  “On second thought, don’t tell her anything. No use in spoiling her vacation with a lot of garbage that she didn’t sign on for.”

  Drae’s face told him if he could have smacked him upside the head right then, he would have. Alex knew he was coming to a series of conclusions that the other two men wouldn’t like or support but so be it. Meghan’s whole life was ahead of her while his had pretty much been shot to hell years ago. She was on a magnificent adventure, and he was just a way station on that journey. Best to cut the cord quickly and neatly. No messages. No pretensions of false hope.

  Following an afternoon filled with tense emotion, Meghan left Tori and Lacey at the cabin to return to the main house. She was a big girl and didn’t need any babysitters to watch over her. Each time she’d tried Alex’s cell phone it went straight to voicemail, a solid indicator that he had nothing to say. It was time for her to come back to reality.

  Letting herself into Alex’s bedroom all she could do was groan when she saw that the bed had been made and the room straightened. In all the time she’d spent there, Meghan had been careful not to leave evidence of their erotic playtime scattered about for Carmen to deal with. It was bad enough that everyone knew what was going on without also providing a comic book view complete with sexy lingerie and blindfolds to raise eyebrows.